It has been 2 months since I left my job.

A job I had both loved & despised, a job that took up almost all of my life, a job that brought me both pains & joys.

It was so hard for me to say goodbye. To my colleagues who became my closest friends at work, to my mentors who have inspired me to pursue my dreams, to my patients I have been taking care of right up until the day I left.

It was such a process. The goodbyes slowly crept up on me, but almost like in denial I brushed them all off saying I still have some time left with them. Until the day arrived and it finally hit me – it’s over. I spent the rest of the evening post shift properly saying goodbye for the last time in my uniform to all my doctors, nurses, allied healthcare members. Some I know I will most probably never see again.

It is a strange feeling – that realisation that you will not see some people ever again, or at least for a very long time. Especially if these are the people you spent almost all your waking hours with working around the clock in tears, sweat, and blood.

My closest friends at work found ways to keep me around even after I left, as did I. I found myself going back to the ward once too many times than I would like to admit, just so I can see them again.

The whole farewell thing lasted a while. And deep down, I know in my heart that this too shall pass. My friends cannot keep missing me, and I have to learn to let go. They will move on with their lives, and so must I.

 

When I thought the hardest of it all was over, I was hit with the tedious process of moving out of the flat, out of the country. Unearthing one old relic after another in my possession, I had to make big girl’s decision whether or not to keep them or throw them. I’m glad to have you know that I managed to throw out some, gave away some. For a hoarder like me, it was an achievement. Somehow I successfully moved out & moved back to KL. From there, it just got harder.

On the outside, my dad seemed like he has accepted the fact that I am moving countries once again, in search of new adventures. But he sure as hell isn’t kidding me, I know he isn’t coping well with this move. Out of the blue, he will say things like “you’re starting your new life soon, how many more years will it be ‘til we see you again?” Things like this set me off oh-so-easily (yes, I am a big crybaby) and it sure isn’t making this any easier for me. He decided that he won’t be following us to the airport to see us off because he will get too sad and that breaks me. Then again, every little thing breaks me these days. I’m useless, ugh.

Maybe he’ll change his mind, who knows. (He did, in the end. I still cried like a baby at the airport, as expected.)

“You gave me wings to fly.

            Now fly, I must.”

I am both terrified and amazed at how far I have come. I have never been this sure of a decision, and I am quite an indecisive person. This is what I want, this is what I have dreamt of. This is the beginning of an end that I have patiently (and painfully) worked towards for two long years.

In this war, the stakes are high. I won some, I lost some.

I may have just about won my way to the next battle, but at the same time I lost so, so much. I lost friends, I lost money, and most times, I lost heart.

I may have just about won the path to my new life, but I believe I may have also lost huge chunks of my past.

 

And that is the price I have to pay.

 

But moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

So, hello England. It has been a week.

 

 

Toodles. ♥

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Last half hour of 2015.

Another year coming to a close. I’m starting to get flashbacks of myself around this time of every year, sprawled in some corner typing out the epilogue of my year and end up being overwhelmed with everything.

It happens every single year.

Instead of going out there, partying, & getting drunk in the real world, I snuggle into my spot, accompanied by my favourite mug of steaming hot tea (or coffee), and attempt to summarise my year.

And I get terrible writers’ block.

And I get clouded by all the emotions and events that took place over the entire year.

And I start over.

Only to realise that I am left with a minute to midnight, or completely gone past midnight.

Not always successful, but at least I tried. And this year, I am trying again.

 

Just like every year, I’ve had my fair share of trials and tribulations. This year has indeed been a wild roller coaster ride, & I’m not entirely sure how best to word it. While most friends I know went through their quarter life crises, I was just so busy with life that I basically didn’t have time for a personal crisis. In fact, I found clarity in such uncertainty, it basically opened up my heart, mind & soul to so many possibilities.

Let’s list it:

  • I’ve graduated (beautifully).
  • I fell in love. ♥
  • I’ve gotten myself into a long distance relationship. It’s crazy and I love it.
  • I realised I actually do love my job, I love what I am doing every day, I love my old people. I love being their nurse.
  • I experienced the whole “moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”, again.
  • I have to accept that you can never make other people understand everything you do, neither do you need to justify for it.
  • I may have burnt/scarred some bridges, but only because I know I cannot keep up. I’ve been completely let down by people whom I’ve held so dear, and if I may be completely honest, it has been so absolutely tiring to hold on. What else can I do, but to let go.
  • I made peace with myself – I wrote an entire dissertation on myself, as if I was trying to get to know me all over. It was kinda fun. I don’t think I’ve gotten to the end yet.
  • I allowed myself to cry buckets when I needed to.
  • I pampered myself, love myself loads & never let myself justify the nice things I do for me. Basically bought a lot of nice things for myself.
  • I’ve made big girl’s decisions that I never thought I’d have to make, just yet.
  • I am still queen of procrastination, sadly.
  • I also allowed myself to be a complete antisocial hermit, and spend all the time I needed, to be alone, to bask in the loneliness, to accept that some things you just got to do alone & to learn happiness in that solitude. Before you can brace yourself to face the world again.
  • I have to live with the fact that my LDR is like a constant countdown – always counting down to when we’ll meet; and when we finally do, the back of our minds counting down the days we have left together.
  • I got to travel a fair bit, thanks to the LDR.
  • But I also found home. 🙂
  • I am halfway there, a work in progress to make my dreams come true.

 

A bittersweet, amazing year overall. I have been waiting for this moment to pass for so long, only too excited to rush into 2016. I wouldn’t have made it through without all the wonderful people in my life (near or far) who chose to stay by my side despite my flaws and shortcomings. You know who you are.

& of course, to my amazing best friend & boyfriend half the world away – it is ridiculous because I cannot express just how much joy you have brought into my life, especially even when we are constantly apart. Truly, distance means so little when you mean so much. Here’s to all the adventures we will have together. ♥ I honestly can’t wait.

 

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Happiness comes in the form of a dog.

 

So there you go, 55 minutes past midnight. Never on time.

 

Hello, 2016. I’ve been waiting for ya.

No regrets.

 

Toodles. ♥

I woke up early this morning as usual to Skype the boyfriend – only to be greeted by an exclamation of “This is madness!”. Groggy & half awake, I attempted to process his live updates on the Paris attacks, got onto my news feed, read in horror & felt chills in my bones.

We were there exactly 2 weeks ago. When beauty and love were all I knew.

It is really madness, what with everything that is going on right now. It has turned ugly.

And to think that I was just going to write about how I had an amazing time in Paris, now that I’ve walked through the streets as a different person. I guess this is a completely bad time now.

 

My thoughts and love are with you, Paris.

 

 

Toodles. ♥

I am absolutely crap at keeping the blog updated in the recent months. I’ll admit, besides complete exhaustion post-work and the need to have a social life during the days off, I was lazy. I was consumed with work and work and more work. I don’t take home work, that’s one good thing. I can lock it all away the minute my shifts end. But the long hours. The mental exhaustion. The worrying I sometimes find myself do. To the point that when I do actually sit down to start a post, I find my fingers resting just very slightly on the keyboard and the air hung still. The only words that I could form in my mind were work related and I couldn’t possibly be sharing things about wounds and deaths on my blog, can I, they do sound quite depressing and a little inappropriate, I would think.

So I’ve been putting off blogging, day after day, week after week. My apologies.

I have wanted to write this post for a while now and here I am, typing away furiously because it’s already New Year. This is going to be a rather personal reflection of my year, just so you know. By the time I post this, I would be completely late but who cares, I still fully intend to recap this past year.

At the start of 2014, I admit I dreaded for the year to end. But now that I’m right at the end looking back, I cannot be more amazed and thankful for the past year’s events. 2014 has ben such an interesting year for me. I daresay it might just be my most memorable year in the last 5 years.

I have had my happiest moments, and my greatest (emotional) downfalls. I have travelled to more places in the year than I can ever imagine. I picked up another sport that I come to really love (DODGEBALL!!!). I allowed myself to let my hair down and really enjoy my youth. I learnt how it really is like to be alone, but not lonely. To enjoy solitude, and making the best of my time out of it. To appreciate cups of coffee and people watching.

I have had my mental breakdowns when my fears and self-doubts ate me up and spat me out – when I believed, at one point, that I was not good enough, and that one thought nearly killed me. It took great strength to disbelieve that of myself. But I survived that phase.

I have also met the most amazing people and made the most wonderful friends in the very short time I was in London. I discovered & believed in fleeting connections with strangers on the street.

I took risks, I took leaps of faith; and I made life-changing decisions. I put myself through a terrible heartbreak, because I believed that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye. Yes, I was hurt; yes I cried buckets. Because I had to let go of some things that I really love to get to the other side. But because I know I am determined to discover what the other side is, I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt and faced the world one more time. A different person, no doubt. And not without the help of some of my dearest friends. I wouldn’t have been this strong without them. I would’ve been completely broken, if it wasn’t for them.

I challenged myself, and I have unlocked some personal achievements. Took my parents around Paris equipped with only a map and without the need of a tour guide (although eventually I did put them on the daily tour bus because they were complaining too much about having to walk, lol) and we DIDN’T get lost/kidnapped/killed. 😀 Then I threw caution to the winds, booked a one-way ticket to see (part of) the world on my own, and figured out the rest of the trip(s) along the way. Best decision I have ever made. #YOLO. Even if it wasn’t a long journey (because I was getting poorer and time was running out), it was definitely a journey I will never forget. These two last points were important to me because I’m not the greatest kid to handle maps or directions, what more in foreign countries with maybe 1% understanding of their languages.

 

Then just as I thought my adventures were coming to an end, just as I was getting stronger day by day; the one thing I least expect to happen, came along and found me. It just happened and it took me completely by surprise. And life has become a tad bit more interesting that it already was ever since. 🙂 So, hey you. Thank you. ♥

All good things come to an end, so did my year in London. I came back, steeled myself for the real world once again and promised myself that I won’t come back the same girl. And that promise, I still hold. I know I am no longer the same person. 🙂 I also told myself that life is going to be “now, or never”. If I want it, if I really want it, then hell yes I should go ahead and do it.

So I started dancing. Again. When I felt the stirrings in my heart telling me to dance once again, I knew it was a “now, or never” moment. I went for it. It has been amazing. Not that I am all that good in dance, but the fact that I have achieved some rather interesting moves that I never thought I would be able to do i.e. a handstand! 😀 😀 😀 I also started running. Know that I actually dislike running with all my heart because blehhhhh. But run, I did. I did pretty good, I must say, hehe.

About a month into the dancing and the running, I came across this post on Tumblr. I thought it was very apt, like it’s a sign for me to keep going.

I can tell you proudly that so far I have been brave enough to start. 🙂

 

Looking forward now, I simply know more amazing things are about to come and my first good thing for 2015 is just around the corner! 😀 I am uber excited *squeeeeee*! While I definitely miss my life back in London and all my friends there, credit must be given where it’s due. To my lovely family & friends here who have patiently awaited my return and loved me all the same, you guys are my angels, adding the sweet finishing touch to the end of my 2014.

 

So, farewell 2014. You have been a wonderful, magical year but it’s now time to welcome 2015. I cannot turn back time to relive the year no matter how much I want to, but at least I will have the memories. One thing for sure, I have measured my 2014 in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, & in cups of coffee.

 

So here’s to you, 2015. Have a chimney cake and some Bailey’s hot chocolate. You will be a fantastic year, I just know it.

 

2014, I have no regrets. 🙂

 

 

Cheers, all. Have a joyous New Year! Toodles. ♥

So I turned 24 last Thursday (Happy birthday, me! Yayyyy!). I had very much wanted to post something up on my birthday itself, seeing that I had no glorious plans for celebration. However, my apologies – everything was delayed because for the first time in my 24 years of birthdays, I received a very pleasant surprise on the stroke of midnight at my doorstep.

Here’s the story: I cooked myself a fantastic meal (lamb leg steak with mash potatoes and some sautéed vegetables) and was setting myself to cleaning the mess I made in the kitchen in preparation of my (usual) midnight rendezvous – baking. I was eager to try out Nigella Lawson’s Chocolate Cheesecake recipe (it’d be my first time baking a whole cake!!) as my home-made birthday cake. The cleaning must’ve distracted me because I actually forgot to count down to midnight. When suddenly, I heard someone knocking on my door. Pretty loud. I kinda froze. First of all, who on Earth could be knocking on my door at this hour (the shock of someone at my door erased all birthday anticipation)?! Secondly, why didn’t my porter call me?? Thirdly (as I called out to ask who was it at the door), I prayed to God let it not be some serial killer or kidnapper waiting to pounce on my poor shaken bones. Yes, I am rather morbid that way – I blame the fact that I watched too many episodes of CSI and Criminal Minds.

birthday dinner

My rather awesome pre-birthday dinner: Lamb leg steak with creamy mashed potatoes & sautéed veggies.

As I took a deep breath (and a huge leap of faith), I opened the door. *Dear God, please don’t let it be a serial killer, I promise to be good /sobs*

Only to be greeted by 2 very familiar faces yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” in my face. Shocked, I was. All I could think of to say was “What are you guys doing here??? Now??? What’s going on???” (Clearly, not very clever and still fazed from the surprise.) And my 2 lovely friends (Pash & Doc) were just excited and swinging around 4 boxes in their hands and they were like we made you cupcakes! 24 of them to be exact! By now, I figured 3 minutes have passed since I opened the door and still I have had no courtesy to remember to invite them in. How rude.

birthday cakes

24 cupcakes! Surely they were trying to overload me with sugar and chocolate???

When I finally got to my senses and got them to come in, they launched into the whole story of how they baked the cupcakes just a few hours before and how they were hiding out in the courtyard while they waited for the clock to strike 12. And the amazing thing was how Pash had gotten Doc to participate in the baking process which really impressed me. At that point, I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I have been surprised because, as I have mentioned, this is the first time anyone has ever surprised me and I am just so touched. Not being bitter or anything but I have always been the one surprising people, not the other way round. So this time, I guess you could say I am overjoyed. Besides, I thought I was going to be settling in to a quiet night with some soft calming tunes while I attempt to bake my chocolate cheesecake. I ended up baking at 2am, after Doc left, and Pash was going to stay over and complete her lab report – which she didn’t start until 3am or something.

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Thank you so so much, guys. You have no idea how much this meant to me. <3

The initial content for this post was a complete different twist from what you’re reading right now. I had planned to write about celebrating me, myself and I; mainly because for years, I have failed to grasp the concept about how one’s birthday is really special to that one person alone. For years (as you can tell by now), I have almost always celebrated it by myself, away from friends and family, save the few birthdays that I had that someone special to celebrate it with.  And this year, I thought it was going to be no different. But this year, as the days leading up to my birthday passed, I realized that I was forming a grand celebration for myself in my mind. Nothing really fancy actually, just a little treat every single day for a week until my birthday, a shopping haul on the day itself and a nice little hair cut to go with. My wallet is crying right now, can you hear??? I had no intentions of reminding anyone else that it was going to be my birthday and I sure had no plans to celebrate it with anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be anti-social or anything. I just realized that this is about celebrating me. I have to know how to love myself, alone but not lonely. (Or so I thought). I know this is sounding very cliché right now, I really don’t mean it to but if you could only hear the conversations going on in my head you’ll understand just how dramatic I am.

 

But anyway, I guess it was a good thing that instead of posting up a birthday post on the day itself (which would have read almost like a self-conceited girl who can’t stop talking about her birthday), I got delayed and lived through the day to have come to another important discovery.

I received a birthday message from my Mom: “I miss you too, how I wished I could be with you on your birthday.”

And it just hit me (FINALLY?!) that my birthday is not only special to me, but to my parents; especially my MOM. Sorry Dad, I’m sure you were anxious as hell but the pain Mom went through was definitely more memorable than your pacing along the hospital corridors. I still love you very much :D!

Right at that moment, I know my Mom deserves to be celebrated alongside with me. Because I obviously wouldn’t be here without my parents, and certainly it is unfair if I keep raving about self-love and self-importance when clearly my parents have made an unspoken pledge of undying, unconditional love the minute they knew I existed in their lives.

So here’s to my 24th birthday, it’s not about me, myself and I anymore. It’s about celebrating my parents’ decision to have me brought to this world, and loving me just the way I am…unconditionally. Birthday wishes, I have plenty but let that be my secrets. For now.

Come just as you are to me,
Don’t need apologies;
Know that you are worthy.
I’ll take your bad days with your good,
Walk through the storm I would,
I do it all because I love you;

I love you
Unconditional, unconditionally;
I will love you unconditionally.

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Not looking very pretty but there you have it! My first ever home-baked birthday cake! 😀 (Now I just need more people to share it with; I can hardly finish it on my own)

I would also like to thank everyone who had me in your thoughts on my birthday and taking the time to leave me happy wishes (be it on Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all other social media platform I happened to be on) and most certainly not forgetting my soul mate, Kris who took the time to call me up at midnight to sing me a birthday song and then dragging me to Burger King the very next day before surprising me with A HECK LOAD OF CHOCOLATES AND A CHOCOLATE CARD. Well, the card wasn’t made of chocolate but there was a block of chocolate IN the card which amazed me crazy. And not forgetting Jeff for putting away your ego and singing a birthday song to me at midnight via WhatsApp, I AM TOUCHED. :’) THANK YOU SO MUCH ALL, SO MUCH LOVE /sobs.

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4 boxes of cupcakes, 2 cards, 2 blocks of chocolates, a box of Lush goodies – I’m one happy kid. ♥

So I hope you enjoy this little (but rather long) insightful discovery (& story) on my part, albeit a few years late perhaps, but better than never. I hope I’ll be up to posting on my travels once again, right after I sorted out my photos (THERE’S SO MANY, I’M LOSING CONTROL). Sigh. ‘Tis the consequence of procrastination.

If any of you have some wise words you would like to impart to me as a birthday gift, please do so – leave me a comment or two, I’d love to hear from you! 🙂

Toodles. ♥