My final internship has begun. I know we don’t really call it internship here, it’s more like a clinical placement, but it’s really just the same thing. It’s our final run. We’re reaching the finishing line and it’s both exhilarating and scary at the same time. I’ve been trying to adapt to the working lifestyle and hours of a full-fledged nurse, in hopes that when I am finally working for real (like, next year!), I won’t have any troubles conforming to it. It’s been tolerable so far. I’m really taking one step at a time. No doubt, I will admit, I’m not good enough. Yet. Unlike my other friends who did their one month posting locally, I was overseas. And although it was indeed a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, to live like another, it was also somehow a downfall for me. Unfortunately. Everyone else had their chance in practicing their skills and what not. For me, I had to start from a level way below anyone else, because I haven’t been working properly for a long while now.
The good news is, although I am somehow struggling, I know I am slowly picking up. Slowly but surely. Also, I find that I’m no longer dreading to go to work. In fact, part of me is excited, and I guess this helps because it somehow prepares me mentally. So I don’t know everything, but it’s definitely a little burst of hope, this small burning flame in the depths of me, glowing and giving me the strength to go through it day by day. It’s my motivation. And I am happy enough. Happy enough to say I have nothing to complain about my life now. Sure, I don’t have my weekends anymore but, I saw this coming the minute I decided that Nursing is what I want to do. Actually, I didn’t LOL – I didn’t know back then that nurses don’t get their weekends and sometimes even their nights free. Now I do, and who said every other job is a piece of cake?
I found this on Tumblr, and thought I’d want to share. I bet you, everyone else has felt this before.
I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. When you’re hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just.. you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear. I need more of those moments.
— The X
You have, haven’t you? 🙂 Word.
And gladly, I can say that sometimes, when I feel even slightly demotivated at work, about work – all I need to do is close my eyes and take this really deep breath and yes, everything feels like it’s going to be okay again. Like a surge of energy passes through all of me, from my head down to my fingertips and toes and I know I’ll be alright. I do need more of those moments, it keeps me alive.
It’s already the third week, and I have 9 more weeks to go. By God’s grace, I will pull through and come out victorious. 😀
I don’t usually talk about my work, simply because I realized it’s like I’m living another life. Like a separate side of me, one that I don’t envision myself to be. Strange. One would think that you’d be in sync with what you may perceive as your life’s calling. Not so for me. I realized that when I am home, with my family, I am simply almost a different person. Maybe cause there would be no work involved LOL. But this is a strange feeling indeed.
Anyway, just the other day I was at work, doing the usuals. I’m currently posted to the geriatric department, i.e. elderly (just in case you didn’t know). And I know from the start that I don’t wish to work here for long term. Simply because, when I see these sickly elderly, I can’t help but think, someday my parents/grandmom/parents-in-law/best friends’ parents – everyone who matters to me – are going to be like this too. God forbid they will ever be this sick, yet the thoughts are there. There IS a possibility. And the possibility is real. I was busy with the morning basic cares for these cute old ah-mahs with a staff and at least half of them are bedbound. And two thirds of these half are uncommunicative. Ah-mahs that no longer understand you, or even know what’s going on around them. So as I wiped, cleaned and dressed all the ah-mahs with difficulty and ease (how ironic) at the same time, I couldn’t help but took a step back to reflect and wonder… would you prefer taking care of these uncommunicative and bedbound elderly, or the ones who are active, and are technically, alive? With the former, you can do anything to them, ANYTHING – and they would have no say about it. You can turn them, take away their pillows, leave them soiled and dirty – and they can’t complain. The latter however will make a lot of noise and also can make your life hell.
Just like babies. When they are infants, you can do anything to them and they can’t say anything but at least they can cry. They feel it. Some of these ah-mahs don’t, anymore. And toddlers, sweet toddlers, once they learnt how to talk/understand you, you can kiss your peaceful moments goodbye. Chaotic, they will be in your life.
It saddens me so, to actually take care of bedbound & uncommunicative patients, I can hardly stand it. Often times, I end of staring at their faces, and wondered how was life for them when things were far different than it was now? I unknowingly learned to love them in some way, and thought about my own family. One day, what if they end up like this. I want the best care for them as well. 🙁 Hence, already I know geriatric isn’t for me, at least not yet. Not until I learned how to gather the courage and strength to shoulder the fact that it is inevitable to see the pain and suffering of these elderly people. And that death sometimes lurks around the corner, waiting for the right time to take someone away. Ironically I’ve always wanted to work in the Emergency Dept. The fast-paced, ever-changing situations keep me on my toes. But the sudden turn of events would be rather traumatising as well, even more so than being in geriatric. Then again, starting from scratch in geriatric department wouldn’t be so bad, right? Build up on all that emotional and mental courage.
Aaaah! Shall not confuse you guys with my continuous ranting. 🙂 But I thank you, if you’ve managed to reached to this point, reading every word and I don’t blame you if you don’t understand what I’m saying but thank you for reading anyway. 😀
My mom and my cute ah-mah. ♥
On a lighter note, Christmas is just around the corner and I am excited because I’ll be going home during my 4 days off from work! 😀 It was an impromptu plan, parents popped the idea up and I was like, HEY! How come I didn’t think of that, LOL.
I’m thrilled that I’ll be meeting my loved ones, I can hardly wait. It’d be a good break from work. 🙂 And the boy is also coming back! :O! Can you believe it? It’s been SIX MONTHS?! Seriously? I know I can’t. Maybe because I’ve gotten used to the change. It’s almost like a dream. And speaking of him…
Remember, in my last post, I mentioned that the boy has posted stories of us? Well, if you ever want to feel what diabetes is like with your hair all standing by the end of the posts, feel free to check it out. 😀
Part One: The Squid & Kitty In Love (7 years and counting)
Part Two: The Squid & Kitty In Love (7 years and counting)
Please forgive us if the posts become way too cheesy. Seriously, this guy. ♥ 🙂
Hope everyone’s doing fine, the month of December has been good so far, 2012 is looming a little too near now; its’ shadow casted overhead is already calling out to me to re-evaluate my life’s goals and to spread more love as I go along. And I plan to do all that during my 4 days of break back home. Best place to plan. 😛
Remember to love a little more. 🙂