In between long periods of anxious, impatient waits and sometimes unbearable ennui, I have mastered ways to calm my listless mind.

It’s really simple, really…Brew a cuppa tea, stare out the window & have your notebook ready!

I do this a lot, but I feel Sundays are always the best time. Some people give thanks on Sunday – although we really should be giving thanks every day, if we’re giving any at all. But I like to call this my musings. Just a little corner for my mind to run free with gratitude for the week that just passed and gearing up for the week ahead.

I hope you will enjoy this little snippets of my week that I am grateful for.


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double rainbow

I’m sure a number of you caught this on Monday, but how lucky was I? I was just minding my own tired business when I suddenly looked out the windows and gave the loudest gasp anyone can give in this quiet, peaceful flat, flung the French doors open to the balcony and ran out there admiring the beauty (and my luck). I also forgot that it was cold, good thing I had my cardigan on. I probably took in the best view until I realised I didn’t want to miss a shot and my phone wasn’t with me. I managed this shot, just right before the fog breezed in and went right folks, nothing to see here, back to your homes everyone”. I must’ve stood there for a while, just feeling ever so lucky to have caught sight of my second double rainbow. Also, it was the BIGGEST rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It was magical. And then I caught another double rainbow just yesterday! How amazing!

 

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celebrating C.’s birthday…in person!

I am very, very happy that I finally have the chance to shower C. with lots of birthday love in person! Technically, this is my first time celebrating his birthday lol. We had a nice home-cooked meal (he was kindly subjected to my cooking & new recipes attempts) & an array of unique cakes for him to pick from – but of course he went for his classic carrot cake. It was also nice that he got home from work early, he actually surprised me by coming home earlier than I thought (I wasn’t ready!!!). But I supposed the best bits was almost successfully throwing him a small surprise birthday dinner with a handful of his closest friends over the weekend. I say almost because he said he had some sort of suspicion but then brushed it off, until we got to his favourite restaurant (Honest Burgers) and the lady who welcomed us in betrayed me. She cheerily announced that everyone was here and waiting. The dramatic face-palming happened in my head as C. chuckled and went “Hah, your cover got blown.” Massive eye-rolling right there. He still somewhat got pleasantly surprised at the company, so I guess that’s a success still, right?!

 

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curling up in bed with a book & a cuppa

That sigh of contentment as you sink into bed, wrap yourself up in the duvet, and sip some hot tea. And then proceed to escape in your book of choice. Heaven.

I was going to wrap it up, but I had a thought…and this might be a little bit odd but can we please take a minute to be thankful for:

the dishwasher

I know, I know. Y’all probably think I’m strange, but honestly! Back home in Kuala Lumpur (and Singapore), no one I know has a dishwasher. It was always hard work of washing the dishes by hand. You may think it’s menial but imagine the skills you require to get rid of burnt crusts at the bottom of pans etc. When C. found out I’ve been living with a dishwasher (when I was studying here) & used it as a drying rack for my pots and pans, he might have bowled over in laughter or in pain, or both. Then he started introducing the wonders of a dishwasher and ever since then, I’ve never been able to imagine how I can ever live my life now without a dishwasher.

I had a rather grey week this last week and I am just glad there were things that made me happy.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Sunday and is well-rested for the week ahead!

Toodles. ♥

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Christmas has come and gone, so did Boxing Day. How’s the shopping going, guys?

It dawned upon me on Christmas day that what I actually enjoy more than Christmas itself, were the days leading up to it. The anticipation, the excitement, the surprises. That said, I had a wonderful, quiet Christmas with the boyfriend & his family. I helped put up the Christmas tree aaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddddd I also got a bunch of Christmas presents (yayyyyyyy!) – total kid at heart here. My first proper English Christmas & the boyfriend wanted to make sure I enjoyed every single bit of this festive season. And I did, I really did. ♥

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In the short month that I was away (from the blog), there have been a couple of happenings. Things that I won’t be thoroughly detailing out. Let’s just say that as much as I can hardly wait for the new year to begin, I am wary, so so wary, of what will be in the new year. I am uncertain, and so is my future.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

I’d like to believe that. After all, tough times never last, tough people do. Right?

I ran into yet another brick wall and once again I am stumped, almost defeated & kneeled helplessly in front of said brick wall. Despaired as I was, I actually have so many things to be thankful for. I am surrounded by friends & family who love me, applauding me for my successes as of date. They held out their hands and told me it is not the end of the world. Their words of encouragement mean so much to me, what would I have done without them? I admit I was tired, it was a stupid brick wall that shouldn’t have been, but yet there was. In the darkest corner of my heart, I felt the little flame of fight went out. It was scary, I honestly felt like I was already defeated and the worst is simply yet to come.

It was then that I realised that it wasn’t the fear of failure that paralysed me, it was the fear of not being able to stand up again after the fall. That was the fear I felt in the darkest corner of my heart. It was that fear that gripped my whole heart and turned it cold. And still, I have more things to be grateful for. The fact that I am here, with people I love, still able to go on and celebrate Christmas. It really wasn’t the end of the world for me. My friends reminded me: “You have come this far, you mustn’t give up now. You are so, so close. Closer than anyone has ever been.”

And they are right. I am SO CLOSE. Closer than I can ever imagine. I am here, & I am going to complete this journey. I just got to keep trying.

One of my closest friend said to me: “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.”

I want it so bad.

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It is painful for me to share that Bobby, the family dog, had left us and went seeking for dog heaven yesterday. We are all shocked & devastated, and I worry for my parents the most. Bobby had been such a joy for them both, they are still in denial. Maybe I am, too. We still can’t accept that he’s gone. I hope my sister is okay too.

Grief. Grief has not hit me this hard in such a long while. But with grief, there is also love.

And life goes on, like it always does. Life always goes on.

May the new year bring new beginnings. One can only hope.

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Happy New Year, everyone.

 

Toodles. ♥

 

It has been 2 months since I left my job.

A job I had both loved & despised, a job that took up almost all of my life, a job that brought me both pains & joys.

It was so hard for me to say goodbye. To my colleagues who became my closest friends at work, to my mentors who have inspired me to pursue my dreams, to my patients I have been taking care of right up until the day I left.

It was such a process. The goodbyes slowly crept up on me, but almost like in denial I brushed them all off saying I still have some time left with them. Until the day arrived and it finally hit me – it’s over. I spent the rest of the evening post shift properly saying goodbye for the last time in my uniform to all my doctors, nurses, allied healthcare members. Some I know I will most probably never see again.

It is a strange feeling – that realisation that you will not see some people ever again, or at least for a very long time. Especially if these are the people you spent almost all your waking hours with working around the clock in tears, sweat, and blood.

My closest friends at work found ways to keep me around even after I left, as did I. I found myself going back to the ward once too many times than I would like to admit, just so I can see them again.

The whole farewell thing lasted a while. And deep down, I know in my heart that this too shall pass. My friends cannot keep missing me, and I have to learn to let go. They will move on with their lives, and so must I.

 

When I thought the hardest of it all was over, I was hit with the tedious process of moving out of the flat, out of the country. Unearthing one old relic after another in my possession, I had to make big girl’s decision whether or not to keep them or throw them. I’m glad to have you know that I managed to throw out some, gave away some. For a hoarder like me, it was an achievement. Somehow I successfully moved out & moved back to KL. From there, it just got harder.

On the outside, my dad seemed like he has accepted the fact that I am moving countries once again, in search of new adventures. But he sure as hell isn’t kidding me, I know he isn’t coping well with this move. Out of the blue, he will say things like “you’re starting your new life soon, how many more years will it be ‘til we see you again?” Things like this set me off oh-so-easily (yes, I am a big crybaby) and it sure isn’t making this any easier for me. He decided that he won’t be following us to the airport to see us off because he will get too sad and that breaks me. Then again, every little thing breaks me these days. I’m useless, ugh.

Maybe he’ll change his mind, who knows. (He did, in the end. I still cried like a baby at the airport, as expected.)

“You gave me wings to fly.

            Now fly, I must.”

I am both terrified and amazed at how far I have come. I have never been this sure of a decision, and I am quite an indecisive person. This is what I want, this is what I have dreamt of. This is the beginning of an end that I have patiently (and painfully) worked towards for two long years.

In this war, the stakes are high. I won some, I lost some.

I may have just about won my way to the next battle, but at the same time I lost so, so much. I lost friends, I lost money, and most times, I lost heart.

I may have just about won the path to my new life, but I believe I may have also lost huge chunks of my past.

 

And that is the price I have to pay.

 

But moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.

So, hello England. It has been a week.

 

 

Toodles. ♥

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I am 10,613 KM away from home, and today is day 4.

Well technically, I have always been away from home ever since I was 19. But this would be the farthest I have been and will be; For a while.

And while it was expected that my parents and I shed tears as we parted and kissed each other goodbye, I was surprised by my own ability to get over the goodbye pretty quickly (I am sure it was worse whenever I leave home for Singapore).

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It hit me that the trick was to look forward to the grand adventure ahead of me! (It also struck me that there weren’t much adventures to expect whenever I headed back to Singapore, lol). I am filled with anticipation, hope and faith of how the year would unfold itself to me. Of course not forgetting that I have to step up my game to deserve the position I am in.

 

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Speaking of which, I have decided on my optional modules and I’m going all out for what I believe will be my calling some day. Neuromedical; Stroke care; Continence care. I can see myself incorporating these subjects into my field of work if I go back to Geriatrics. Otherwise, it would serve me just as well if I choose to explore the Neurology Department some day. I had a tough time trying to decide between a range of modules that I was interested in. Doesn’t help that I am usually indecisive. I have been asking my seniors for advice, tried to weigh out the benefits these modules will bring me, and still I was not able to make a choice.

They say, “Follow your heart.”.

I finally narrowed it down to a handful of modules and from there I have to settle with three. When I was with my programme leader trying to coordinate all these, I was still unable to voice out my decision. Only at the last minute did it all become clear to me: I might as well take the whole package and be good in it. Hence, the Neuromedical/Stroke/Continence combination.

 

 

My soul mate and I. After what seemed like endless preparations/paperwork/nonsense, we are finally here. Registered students of King’s College London. We couldn’t be more blessed. Dreams DO come true, we just have to work to make it happen.

And hopefully, by the end of it all, our parents will be able to say:

We couldn’t be more proud.

 

I couldn’t be happier;
Because happy is what happens,
when all your dreams come true.

 

Toodles. ♥

You cannot imagine how unbelievably happy I was (and still am) when I finally got the green lights to visit London. To some, travelling may not seem like a big deal; but I’ve never travelled outside the country (except to Singapore) without my family before – and also because of the cost factor, travelling wasn’t really an option I can easily go for.

Not particularly fair because just very recently, my dad travelled alone to China just because he got bored at home. HMPH! Smile with tongue out

Anyway, this was particularly special to me because I have waited SIX YEARS for this trip. Literally. Ever since I was 14, I have been listening to the wonders of the outside world and how very different it is from the place I am living in.

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I can still vividly remember the minute I stepped out of from the 14-hour AirAsia flight, to the airport and out to the car park to the cab that was waiting for our arrival. I remember the drastic change of weather and how it felt against my skin. I remember the sudden blast of cold air that made me shiver – with anticipation and utter disbelief. I remember, oh yes I remember walking on the grounds of Stansted airport thinking to myself: Zunny, you’re finally in England. Finally.

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My camera became my very best friend, I depended largely on it to snap pictures of places and moments that I fear that one day I may forget.

At the end of the trip, I have over a thousand photographs, and I don’t know which one to post up. I figure I’ll post it up over time, even if the particular post has no specific relevance to the photograph. Haha! But I’m sure it will tell a story. Somehow, someway. Smile 

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Oh, and I think I forgot to mention, it was early spring when I arrived. As you can see from the above photograph, we have one barren tree, and the other blossoming with pretty red leafless flowers? I suppose they are flowers, they really are pretty, it’s just too bad I couldn’t go up close and personal to take a picture of the flower. I thought the weather was rather beautiful, when I arrived. Blue skies, so different from the blue we have here back home.

 

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I have more to tell you readers, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. My class is at 11am tomorrow and I am still awake. I feel obliged to at least give an opening to my journey which I have been raving about all month. But I promise I’ll detail it out; just give me some more time. Smile

 

Toodles, readers. ♥ Goodnight.