I will be honest:

I am exhausted. I am disappointed.

Day by day, when I know I could do better, but I can’t. Or I don’t.

When I see my comrades as weathered as I am.

When strangers see me, a battered soul.

When I start drowning because I am weakened, helpless.

When I try to save everyone, but the one person that really needs saving is myself.

 

 

The excerpt above is a fragment of a burned out heart. Mine.

It is unfortunate that I have come to this point once again. And I hope that anyone reading this will somewhat understand that not all days are rainbows & sunshine; that it is as real as it gets & I do my best to portray the whole picture.

It is also unfortunate that I acknowledge my burnout state on Nurses’ Week. And decided to proclaim it on Nurses’ Day. I thought it would be an interesting change in the way we celebrate Nurses’ Day. To accept & recognise that it is OKAY to admit to the pessimistic side of nursing. Like how we should celebrate life: we accept the joys & sorrows both for we cannot have one without the other.

Despite this burnout, I only have the utmost respect & support for nurses everywhere.

For your willingness to keep going, no matter how bad things get.

For your strength to bear all the brunt, being at the front line more often than not.

For your heart & wellbeing, that so many have failed to take care of, leaving you to retreat in solitary to lick your wounds.

For your determination to do it all over again, every single day, in spite of knowing the consequences; because only you hold the key to what got you started in the very beginning.

 

CAMIE Angels

 

Happy Nurses’ Day!

 

Toodles. ♥

Last half hour of 2015.

Another year coming to a close. I’m starting to get flashbacks of myself around this time of every year, sprawled in some corner typing out the epilogue of my year and end up being overwhelmed with everything.

It happens every single year.

Instead of going out there, partying, & getting drunk in the real world, I snuggle into my spot, accompanied by my favourite mug of steaming hot tea (or coffee), and attempt to summarise my year.

And I get terrible writers’ block.

And I get clouded by all the emotions and events that took place over the entire year.

And I start over.

Only to realise that I am left with a minute to midnight, or completely gone past midnight.

Not always successful, but at least I tried. And this year, I am trying again.

 

Just like every year, I’ve had my fair share of trials and tribulations. This year has indeed been a wild roller coaster ride, & I’m not entirely sure how best to word it. While most friends I know went through their quarter life crises, I was just so busy with life that I basically didn’t have time for a personal crisis. In fact, I found clarity in such uncertainty, it basically opened up my heart, mind & soul to so many possibilities.

Let’s list it:

  • I’ve graduated (beautifully).
  • I fell in love. ♥
  • I’ve gotten myself into a long distance relationship. It’s crazy and I love it.
  • I realised I actually do love my job, I love what I am doing every day, I love my old people. I love being their nurse.
  • I experienced the whole “moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”, again.
  • I have to accept that you can never make other people understand everything you do, neither do you need to justify for it.
  • I may have burnt/scarred some bridges, but only because I know I cannot keep up. I’ve been completely let down by people whom I’ve held so dear, and if I may be completely honest, it has been so absolutely tiring to hold on. What else can I do, but to let go.
  • I made peace with myself – I wrote an entire dissertation on myself, as if I was trying to get to know me all over. It was kinda fun. I don’t think I’ve gotten to the end yet.
  • I allowed myself to cry buckets when I needed to.
  • I pampered myself, love myself loads & never let myself justify the nice things I do for me. Basically bought a lot of nice things for myself.
  • I’ve made big girl’s decisions that I never thought I’d have to make, just yet.
  • I am still queen of procrastination, sadly.
  • I also allowed myself to be a complete antisocial hermit, and spend all the time I needed, to be alone, to bask in the loneliness, to accept that some things you just got to do alone & to learn happiness in that solitude. Before you can brace yourself to face the world again.
  • I have to live with the fact that my LDR is like a constant countdown – always counting down to when we’ll meet; and when we finally do, the back of our minds counting down the days we have left together.
  • I got to travel a fair bit, thanks to the LDR.
  • But I also found home. 🙂
  • I am halfway there, a work in progress to make my dreams come true.

 

A bittersweet, amazing year overall. I have been waiting for this moment to pass for so long, only too excited to rush into 2016. I wouldn’t have made it through without all the wonderful people in my life (near or far) who chose to stay by my side despite my flaws and shortcomings. You know who you are.

& of course, to my amazing best friend & boyfriend half the world away – it is ridiculous because I cannot express just how much joy you have brought into my life, especially even when we are constantly apart. Truly, distance means so little when you mean so much. Here’s to all the adventures we will have together. ♥ I honestly can’t wait.

 

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Happiness comes in the form of a dog.

 

So there you go, 55 minutes past midnight. Never on time.

 

Hello, 2016. I’ve been waiting for ya.

No regrets.

 

Toodles. ♥

I am absolutely crap at keeping the blog updated in the recent months. I’ll admit, besides complete exhaustion post-work and the need to have a social life during the days off, I was lazy. I was consumed with work and work and more work. I don’t take home work, that’s one good thing. I can lock it all away the minute my shifts end. But the long hours. The mental exhaustion. The worrying I sometimes find myself do. To the point that when I do actually sit down to start a post, I find my fingers resting just very slightly on the keyboard and the air hung still. The only words that I could form in my mind were work related and I couldn’t possibly be sharing things about wounds and deaths on my blog, can I, they do sound quite depressing and a little inappropriate, I would think.

So I’ve been putting off blogging, day after day, week after week. My apologies.

I have wanted to write this post for a while now and here I am, typing away furiously because it’s already New Year. This is going to be a rather personal reflection of my year, just so you know. By the time I post this, I would be completely late but who cares, I still fully intend to recap this past year.

At the start of 2014, I admit I dreaded for the year to end. But now that I’m right at the end looking back, I cannot be more amazed and thankful for the past year’s events. 2014 has ben such an interesting year for me. I daresay it might just be my most memorable year in the last 5 years.

I have had my happiest moments, and my greatest (emotional) downfalls. I have travelled to more places in the year than I can ever imagine. I picked up another sport that I come to really love (DODGEBALL!!!). I allowed myself to let my hair down and really enjoy my youth. I learnt how it really is like to be alone, but not lonely. To enjoy solitude, and making the best of my time out of it. To appreciate cups of coffee and people watching.

I have had my mental breakdowns when my fears and self-doubts ate me up and spat me out – when I believed, at one point, that I was not good enough, and that one thought nearly killed me. It took great strength to disbelieve that of myself. But I survived that phase.

I have also met the most amazing people and made the most wonderful friends in the very short time I was in London. I discovered & believed in fleeting connections with strangers on the street.

I took risks, I took leaps of faith; and I made life-changing decisions. I put myself through a terrible heartbreak, because I believed that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye. Yes, I was hurt; yes I cried buckets. Because I had to let go of some things that I really love to get to the other side. But because I know I am determined to discover what the other side is, I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt and faced the world one more time. A different person, no doubt. And not without the help of some of my dearest friends. I wouldn’t have been this strong without them. I would’ve been completely broken, if it wasn’t for them.

I challenged myself, and I have unlocked some personal achievements. Took my parents around Paris equipped with only a map and without the need of a tour guide (although eventually I did put them on the daily tour bus because they were complaining too much about having to walk, lol) and we DIDN’T get lost/kidnapped/killed. 😀 Then I threw caution to the winds, booked a one-way ticket to see (part of) the world on my own, and figured out the rest of the trip(s) along the way. Best decision I have ever made. #YOLO. Even if it wasn’t a long journey (because I was getting poorer and time was running out), it was definitely a journey I will never forget. These two last points were important to me because I’m not the greatest kid to handle maps or directions, what more in foreign countries with maybe 1% understanding of their languages.

 

Then just as I thought my adventures were coming to an end, just as I was getting stronger day by day; the one thing I least expect to happen, came along and found me. It just happened and it took me completely by surprise. And life has become a tad bit more interesting that it already was ever since. 🙂 So, hey you. Thank you. ♥

All good things come to an end, so did my year in London. I came back, steeled myself for the real world once again and promised myself that I won’t come back the same girl. And that promise, I still hold. I know I am no longer the same person. 🙂 I also told myself that life is going to be “now, or never”. If I want it, if I really want it, then hell yes I should go ahead and do it.

So I started dancing. Again. When I felt the stirrings in my heart telling me to dance once again, I knew it was a “now, or never” moment. I went for it. It has been amazing. Not that I am all that good in dance, but the fact that I have achieved some rather interesting moves that I never thought I would be able to do i.e. a handstand! 😀 😀 😀 I also started running. Know that I actually dislike running with all my heart because blehhhhh. But run, I did. I did pretty good, I must say, hehe.

About a month into the dancing and the running, I came across this post on Tumblr. I thought it was very apt, like it’s a sign for me to keep going.

I can tell you proudly that so far I have been brave enough to start. 🙂

 

Looking forward now, I simply know more amazing things are about to come and my first good thing for 2015 is just around the corner! 😀 I am uber excited *squeeeeee*! While I definitely miss my life back in London and all my friends there, credit must be given where it’s due. To my lovely family & friends here who have patiently awaited my return and loved me all the same, you guys are my angels, adding the sweet finishing touch to the end of my 2014.

 

So, farewell 2014. You have been a wonderful, magical year but it’s now time to welcome 2015. I cannot turn back time to relive the year no matter how much I want to, but at least I will have the memories. One thing for sure, I have measured my 2014 in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, & in cups of coffee.

 

So here’s to you, 2015. Have a chimney cake and some Bailey’s hot chocolate. You will be a fantastic year, I just know it.

 

2014, I have no regrets. 🙂

 

 

Cheers, all. Have a joyous New Year! Toodles. ♥

I’ve been busying myself on my days off (NO, I LIE – I’ve been lazing around!), decorating my room, personalising my four walls. I have some pictures up on the wall which I am very proud of, not to mention they make me happy every single time I wake up because they’re the first things I see. I still have a stack of Instax which I have not quite decided what to do with. Hang them up? Or stick them on the walls?

photo 3

So much space to fill!

 

Not to forget, a bunch of postcards from friends, from myself; from all the traveling I have done the past year. 

I found myself smiling as I went through them one by one, chronologically. Best memories. And then decided that they have to go up on the wall.

But then, wait.

How should they be displayed? Which side should I display?

The photograph side…or the messages that come with the postcards? D: Such a dilemma.

 

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There are more of these postcards!

photo 1

 

Ah, how I miss the simple joys of postcards-writing in various cafes of each city I have visited. :’)
(And then looking for a post office and attempting the city’s language, trying to get stamps and to send them out. Aha.) 

 

Both sides are equally as important and meaningful to me.
But what do I want to see more – the picturesque side, or the love notes behind it

 

 

Which side would you have these postcards displayed?

 

 

Let me know x.

 

 

Toodles. ♥

Greetings, everyone!

First of all, my apologies for the long hiatus. Much had happened. I have moved back to Singapore from London to resume my work, nursing dementia patients. As far as I know, I won’t be moving anywhere else for the next two years and I had to bid everyone I love in London goodbye for this (hopefully, temporary) separation. My attention was then more urgently required as I moved in to my new place here in Singapore. And almost immediately after that, work begun and I’ve been madly occupied ever since! So in short, busy, busy, busy! That said, I have been missing London terribly and looking forward to come back, perhaps after 2 years? 🙂 We’ll have to see which way the wind will blow.

Now, let’s get back to blogging business!

I would like to thank Diane at Nomad Seeks Home for nominating me for a Liebster Award some time back (click for her post) and I am finally getting around to complete it and passing it on.

 

Image found on Google, but linked to The Next Activity.

A little information about Liebster Award – it is basically a way to introduce newer blogs to the community. German in origin, Liebster means “Dearest”. So here’s to saying hi to new blogs and getting to know more about the lovely bloggers!

 

Let me start with 11 (fun) facts about myself:

1) Never in my entire life have I ever thought I would become a nurse. But I grew to love nursing and I would never change this, even if I could.

2) I think I have slight OCD. In the weirdest ways. E.g. the need for constant hand-washing, the sudden obsessive urge to clean the bathroom halfway while bathing.

3) I have always enjoyed solitude; more so ever since I’ve moved out from home, and started living on my own while pursuing my nursing studies.

4) I may be slightly alcoholic, but well-controlled I assure you. 😛

5) I have never liked coffee, until I went to Italy last December. Now I am a crazy coffee addict.

6) I wear my heart out on my sleeves – not too sure if that’s a good thing, because it only means I get hurt way too easily & I feel too much.

7) When I was younger, chocolate makes me bounce off walls. The effects have toned down a lot now.

8) Once upon a time, I have aspired to be a singer. I love singing, if you haven’t already noticed. Lol.

9) I love dancing, but I believe I have two left feet.

10) Apparently, I can do a perfect slut drop. I have only achieved this once. Aha.

11) I don’t like eating pork, I avoid it as much as I possibly can.

 

 

The next section, Diane posed some questions for me:

1) What’s number 1 on your bucket list?
It’s between 2 things right now, I can’t decide which is number one at the moment: Visiting Turkey, and skydiving.

2) Why did you start blogging?
It was all the hype when I first started. I started because I was curious, and then it turned into an online journal; really personal at first, but I guess now it’s more generalised with a hint of personality :P!

3) What’s the most beautiful location you’ve ever found yourself in?
At this point in my life, the most beautiful place I’ve ever found myself in has to be at Killarney, Ireland. It was simply breath-taking and never have I felt so much at peace and serenity in one place.

4) Who dropped the screw in the tuna? (If you can’t answer this then you’re not around my age, ha ha).
I do not know this! AHA! (But I have gone to Google it! :P).

5) What is your perfect snack?
Mmm, crackers with goat’s cheese. 🙂

6) Sweet or savoury?
This is tough, I like them both, and it really depends on the mood! 😛

7) What is your dream job?
I want to be a baker. Open up a cafe, make yummy cakes and sweet treats to make everyone happy! 😀

8) Celebrity crush?
At the moment, it is Luke Evans. On any other day, it probably has to be Chris Hemsworth. His blue eyes. 🙂

9) Vintage or new clothes?
Hmm! I like vintage clothing, but new clothes have their perks too!

10) What is your favourite book?
Oh, this is not something I can answer – I have loads! :O A whole list, probably! Let’s start with the Harry Potter series!

11) Have you been to any blogger events?
Yes I have! To mention a few: when I was in London, I got lucky and attended London Coffee Festival with the lovely Nuffnang UK bunch! Nuffnang UK 1st ever birthday bash. After that, got invited to Miso Tasty launch dinner party; FEAST, tickets by Nuffnang UK; Paul A. Young’s chocolate workshop by Indytute, courtesy of Sarah from The Prosecco Diaries.

 

Now, my turn to ask questions!

11 questions, what am I going to ask?!

1) What is your greatest achievement so far?

2) Tell me about your biggest fear.

3) Snail mails or emails?

4) Which is your favourite city in the world; and/or which city do you really want to live in?

5) Which one book that you have read this past year left a memorable imprint on you, and why?

6) What is your favourite cake?

7) Your first love.

8) What is your dream job?

9) Favourite cuisine of all time?

10) If you can have one wish (just the one) right now, what would it be?

11) Leave a nice message for your dearest readers, here!

 

So here are the rules:
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you.
2) Share 11 random facts about you.
3) Answer the questions I have posed above.
4) Nominate your choice of bloggers.
5) Come up with your set of 11 questions for those bloggers to answer!

 

My nominations

Honey The Girl Next Shore
Charlotte CharlotteSteggz
Sarah The Prosecco Diaries
KrystalLil-Soybean
Sara Hello The Mushroom
Jazmine Jazzabelle’s Diary

 

I hope you had fun reading bits and pieces of me! Jesse from Hecticophilia has also shared hers here, so take a look? Even if you are NOT nominated but still feel like doing it, by all means! Share with us! 😀

 

Looking forward to read all your posts now! 😀

 

Toodles. ♥