Christmas has come and gone, so did Boxing Day. How’s the shopping going, guys?

It dawned upon me on Christmas day that what I actually enjoy more than Christmas itself, were the days leading up to it. The anticipation, the excitement, the surprises. That said, I had a wonderful, quiet Christmas with the boyfriend & his family. I helped put up the Christmas tree aaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddddd I also got a bunch of Christmas presents (yayyyyyyy!) – total kid at heart here. My first proper English Christmas & the boyfriend wanted to make sure I enjoyed every single bit of this festive season. And I did, I really did. ♥

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In the short month that I was away (from the blog), there have been a couple of happenings. Things that I won’t be thoroughly detailing out. Let’s just say that as much as I can hardly wait for the new year to begin, I am wary, so so wary, of what will be in the new year. I am uncertain, and so is my future.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

I’d like to believe that. After all, tough times never last, tough people do. Right?

I ran into yet another brick wall and once again I am stumped, almost defeated & kneeled helplessly in front of said brick wall. Despaired as I was, I actually have so many things to be thankful for. I am surrounded by friends & family who love me, applauding me for my successes as of date. They held out their hands and told me it is not the end of the world. Their words of encouragement mean so much to me, what would I have done without them? I admit I was tired, it was a stupid brick wall that shouldn’t have been, but yet there was. In the darkest corner of my heart, I felt the little flame of fight went out. It was scary, I honestly felt like I was already defeated and the worst is simply yet to come.

It was then that I realised that it wasn’t the fear of failure that paralysed me, it was the fear of not being able to stand up again after the fall. That was the fear I felt in the darkest corner of my heart. It was that fear that gripped my whole heart and turned it cold. And still, I have more things to be grateful for. The fact that I am here, with people I love, still able to go on and celebrate Christmas. It really wasn’t the end of the world for me. My friends reminded me: “You have come this far, you mustn’t give up now. You are so, so close. Closer than anyone has ever been.”

And they are right. I am SO CLOSE. Closer than I can ever imagine. I am here, & I am going to complete this journey. I just got to keep trying.

One of my closest friend said to me: “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.”

I want it so bad.

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It is painful for me to share that Bobby, the family dog, had left us and went seeking for dog heaven yesterday. We are all shocked & devastated, and I worry for my parents the most. Bobby had been such a joy for them both, they are still in denial. Maybe I am, too. We still can’t accept that he’s gone. I hope my sister is okay too.

Grief. Grief has not hit me this hard in such a long while. But with grief, there is also love.

And life goes on, like it always does. Life always goes on.

May the new year bring new beginnings. One can only hope.

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Happy New Year, everyone.

 

Toodles. ♥

 

I am absolutely crap at keeping the blog updated in the recent months. I’ll admit, besides complete exhaustion post-work and the need to have a social life during the days off, I was lazy. I was consumed with work and work and more work. I don’t take home work, that’s one good thing. I can lock it all away the minute my shifts end. But the long hours. The mental exhaustion. The worrying I sometimes find myself do. To the point that when I do actually sit down to start a post, I find my fingers resting just very slightly on the keyboard and the air hung still. The only words that I could form in my mind were work related and I couldn’t possibly be sharing things about wounds and deaths on my blog, can I, they do sound quite depressing and a little inappropriate, I would think.

So I’ve been putting off blogging, day after day, week after week. My apologies.

I have wanted to write this post for a while now and here I am, typing away furiously because it’s already New Year. This is going to be a rather personal reflection of my year, just so you know. By the time I post this, I would be completely late but who cares, I still fully intend to recap this past year.

At the start of 2014, I admit I dreaded for the year to end. But now that I’m right at the end looking back, I cannot be more amazed and thankful for the past year’s events. 2014 has ben such an interesting year for me. I daresay it might just be my most memorable year in the last 5 years.

I have had my happiest moments, and my greatest (emotional) downfalls. I have travelled to more places in the year than I can ever imagine. I picked up another sport that I come to really love (DODGEBALL!!!). I allowed myself to let my hair down and really enjoy my youth. I learnt how it really is like to be alone, but not lonely. To enjoy solitude, and making the best of my time out of it. To appreciate cups of coffee and people watching.

I have had my mental breakdowns when my fears and self-doubts ate me up and spat me out – when I believed, at one point, that I was not good enough, and that one thought nearly killed me. It took great strength to disbelieve that of myself. But I survived that phase.

I have also met the most amazing people and made the most wonderful friends in the very short time I was in London. I discovered & believed in fleeting connections with strangers on the street.

I took risks, I took leaps of faith; and I made life-changing decisions. I put myself through a terrible heartbreak, because I believed that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye. Yes, I was hurt; yes I cried buckets. Because I had to let go of some things that I really love to get to the other side. But because I know I am determined to discover what the other side is, I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt and faced the world one more time. A different person, no doubt. And not without the help of some of my dearest friends. I wouldn’t have been this strong without them. I would’ve been completely broken, if it wasn’t for them.

I challenged myself, and I have unlocked some personal achievements. Took my parents around Paris equipped with only a map and without the need of a tour guide (although eventually I did put them on the daily tour bus because they were complaining too much about having to walk, lol) and we DIDN’T get lost/kidnapped/killed. 😀 Then I threw caution to the winds, booked a one-way ticket to see (part of) the world on my own, and figured out the rest of the trip(s) along the way. Best decision I have ever made. #YOLO. Even if it wasn’t a long journey (because I was getting poorer and time was running out), it was definitely a journey I will never forget. These two last points were important to me because I’m not the greatest kid to handle maps or directions, what more in foreign countries with maybe 1% understanding of their languages.

 

Then just as I thought my adventures were coming to an end, just as I was getting stronger day by day; the one thing I least expect to happen, came along and found me. It just happened and it took me completely by surprise. And life has become a tad bit more interesting that it already was ever since. 🙂 So, hey you. Thank you. ♥

All good things come to an end, so did my year in London. I came back, steeled myself for the real world once again and promised myself that I won’t come back the same girl. And that promise, I still hold. I know I am no longer the same person. 🙂 I also told myself that life is going to be “now, or never”. If I want it, if I really want it, then hell yes I should go ahead and do it.

So I started dancing. Again. When I felt the stirrings in my heart telling me to dance once again, I knew it was a “now, or never” moment. I went for it. It has been amazing. Not that I am all that good in dance, but the fact that I have achieved some rather interesting moves that I never thought I would be able to do i.e. a handstand! 😀 😀 😀 I also started running. Know that I actually dislike running with all my heart because blehhhhh. But run, I did. I did pretty good, I must say, hehe.

About a month into the dancing and the running, I came across this post on Tumblr. I thought it was very apt, like it’s a sign for me to keep going.

I can tell you proudly that so far I have been brave enough to start. 🙂

 

Looking forward now, I simply know more amazing things are about to come and my first good thing for 2015 is just around the corner! 😀 I am uber excited *squeeeeee*! While I definitely miss my life back in London and all my friends there, credit must be given where it’s due. To my lovely family & friends here who have patiently awaited my return and loved me all the same, you guys are my angels, adding the sweet finishing touch to the end of my 2014.

 

So, farewell 2014. You have been a wonderful, magical year but it’s now time to welcome 2015. I cannot turn back time to relive the year no matter how much I want to, but at least I will have the memories. One thing for sure, I have measured my 2014 in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, & in cups of coffee.

 

So here’s to you, 2015. Have a chimney cake and some Bailey’s hot chocolate. You will be a fantastic year, I just know it.

 

2014, I have no regrets. 🙂

 

 

Cheers, all. Have a joyous New Year! Toodles. ♥

It’s a pretty quiet night, tonight. I’m still up at this hour, strangely reveling at the fact that January is already upon us (yes I admit, I’m a little bit behind). I probably had a better idea of how I wanted to welcome 2014 into my warm embrace – only thing was: my embrace probably wasn’t warm.

In spirit, I was all ready for 2014. But obviously, because I was on a deadline (TWO deadlines, to be exact) I was almost oblivious to the new year, new month; I was nearly hysterical.

Okay, no who am I kidding? I wasn’t just *nearly* hysterical, I WAS hysterical. Try being holed up at home for 17 days and not feel the sunlight (or rain) on your skin. It was like malnutrition in all forms – deprived of rain, shine, proper food and most importantly, socialization. I have not seen myself devoid of such basic necessities, ever. And the one thing that struck me while I was trying to pull myself together through the last few days – the fact that I was utterly and completely alone. In all sense. The fact that no one else could truly understand the pains I was going through. The fact that no one could keep me sane. The fact that no one could actually help me, even if they tried. And even though I am completely touched and grateful to every single soul who reached out to me, I knew I was being tested, yet again.

That last night before my deadlines was probably one of the very few nights which had seen me prayed that crazy hard. And let me get this across: I’m not exactly a religious person. Spiritual, maybe. Not religious. But that night, I was SO, SO CLOSE to breaking into pieces. I was inches away from falling completely apart. I was scared out of my life because I have never seen myself come close to this state. I was hanging by a very thin thread which threatened to snap any minute and I panicked, because I didn’t know what else to do. That was when I got down on my knees by my bed and I just started praying. I was talking out loud to the flowers on the walls, the ceiling, the distant stars out in the skies. I begged; I cried. I pleaded with whichever God, or Being who might just be listening. I laid bare my soul and stripped it down to its core. And I prayed.

I prayed for courage that I no longer felt in my bones, I prayed for the strength that I no longer knew. I prayed for the will to go on, I prayed for the resolution to carry me through.

Maybe I was in that same position for 10 minutes (or perhaps it was 30 minutes, I don’t know) whispering those prayers with great fervour. It was in that moment that I surrendered myself wholly, because I felt so afraid, weak and alone right then.

“I cannot give up. Not now, not ever.”//”But I cannot hold on any longer. I just want out. I can’t do this.”//”Yes. Yes, you can, Zunny, you can, you HAVE TO.”//”No, I can’t, I can’t.”

That was the argument battling inside my head and I was just recoiling from the impact.

 

But you know what they say: You can’t fail if you don’t give up. 

 

I might be on the verge of buckling under, but I know I had the choice.

There is ALWAYS a choice.

There is ALWAYS hope.

Maybe I’m over-optimistic. Maybe I have gone mad, seeing that I was on the floor, crying and having a debate in my head about my sanity. But one thing’s for sure, is that I will fail if I let myself. I just needed to pick myself up and pull myself together. Muster enough spirit to push on the last 24 hours. Believe me, it might just have been the hardest thing I had to do; but I did it.

Thank Heavens, I actually did it. I made it through. I survived, already very battered from this one battle, but knowing there are more ahead.

 

Scarred, but I am proud that I didn’t cave in.

 

 

And I did reward myself when the ordeal was over. 🙂

Salmon sashimi with some Yuzu sauce//Lobsters//Duck rice & Dim Sum

 

Obviously, there were more but let’s not get started on my gluttony, heh heh. 

 

So, two things:

1) I mustn’t give up. Ever, Zunny. Because there is always a choice.

2) Of course, when life gets tough…eat away! 😉

 

Well, tomorrow is the start of the new term, officially. Wish me luck, guys. 🙂

 

Toodles. ♥