I welcomed 2017 with bittersweet hope, looking down the road full of uncertainties. In my last post, I spoke of never-ending brick walls in my way. I was nearly in despair, only to be reminded of the love & support I am surrounded by. It was the one bubble keeping me hopeful & pushing me on. Continuously whacking at that brick wall with my battered hammer.

And today, I am happy to announce that I have finally broken down that brick wall! Made a huge hole in it, and watched it crumble. Then proceeded to climb over it; now I’m seated on the remnants of that wall, sipping on my iced lemon tea, and staring at yet another brick wall a little further down the road. But that’s ok! Nothing can dampen the triumph I feel right now. The sense of achievement, the appreciation of just how much I have accomplished, & the cognizance of how far I have come.

The most important lesson I’ve learnt in 2016 is perseverance brings progress. One step at a time, things started to work out. There was always something in the way, rocks, boulders, rivers, you name it. All the damned time. I started wishing so hard for things to be over, for everything to come together already but all I experienced was the seconds ticking by like they always have, speed unchanged despite my fervour prayers.

I had to learn, that there is a time and place for everything. And there was. Every action, every decision, every turn led me to where I am right now. It wasn’t always easy. But I always remember believing in the magic.

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“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

 

Like how I’ve wished so hard for snow to come falling and, finally I got to see snow woo-hoo!

I honestly believed in that. It is one of those things that I keep telling myself over the years whenever I come across adversities. It is one way of letting myself discover how much I really want something. Because one can only have so many dreams, and one can only achieve all of them if they really want to. Don’t you think?

 

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”

 

I promised myself I wouldn’t let the fear of failure stop me. Even if I think it almost did. My mom never lets me forget that it’s ok to try again (& again & again & again…). It’s not the end of the world.

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 “The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

 

And that, my friends, is how perseverance brings progress. Because by the eighth time, you would’ve set fire to the rain.

I did.

After two long years of paperwork, exams, and bureaucrazy, I am finally a registered nurse in this country I now call home. It was just yesterday that I was reminded that it has been 2 years since I graduated, since I made the decision to make my dreams a reality.

I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself.

Right. Off to tackle that brick wall down the hall. Beyond that wall lies my new phase in life & I can hardly wait to begin.

To my first success of 2017.

 

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Toodles. ♥

It’s a pretty quiet night, tonight. I’m still up at this hour, strangely reveling at the fact that January is already upon us (yes I admit, I’m a little bit behind). I probably had a better idea of how I wanted to welcome 2014 into my warm embrace – only thing was: my embrace probably wasn’t warm.

In spirit, I was all ready for 2014. But obviously, because I was on a deadline (TWO deadlines, to be exact) I was almost oblivious to the new year, new month; I was nearly hysterical.

Okay, no who am I kidding? I wasn’t just *nearly* hysterical, I WAS hysterical. Try being holed up at home for 17 days and not feel the sunlight (or rain) on your skin. It was like malnutrition in all forms – deprived of rain, shine, proper food and most importantly, socialization. I have not seen myself devoid of such basic necessities, ever. And the one thing that struck me while I was trying to pull myself together through the last few days – the fact that I was utterly and completely alone. In all sense. The fact that no one else could truly understand the pains I was going through. The fact that no one could keep me sane. The fact that no one could actually help me, even if they tried. And even though I am completely touched and grateful to every single soul who reached out to me, I knew I was being tested, yet again.

That last night before my deadlines was probably one of the very few nights which had seen me prayed that crazy hard. And let me get this across: I’m not exactly a religious person. Spiritual, maybe. Not religious. But that night, I was SO, SO CLOSE to breaking into pieces. I was inches away from falling completely apart. I was scared out of my life because I have never seen myself come close to this state. I was hanging by a very thin thread which threatened to snap any minute and I panicked, because I didn’t know what else to do. That was when I got down on my knees by my bed and I just started praying. I was talking out loud to the flowers on the walls, the ceiling, the distant stars out in the skies. I begged; I cried. I pleaded with whichever God, or Being who might just be listening. I laid bare my soul and stripped it down to its core. And I prayed.

I prayed for courage that I no longer felt in my bones, I prayed for the strength that I no longer knew. I prayed for the will to go on, I prayed for the resolution to carry me through.

Maybe I was in that same position for 10 minutes (or perhaps it was 30 minutes, I don’t know) whispering those prayers with great fervour. It was in that moment that I surrendered myself wholly, because I felt so afraid, weak and alone right then.

“I cannot give up. Not now, not ever.”//”But I cannot hold on any longer. I just want out. I can’t do this.”//”Yes. Yes, you can, Zunny, you can, you HAVE TO.”//”No, I can’t, I can’t.”

That was the argument battling inside my head and I was just recoiling from the impact.

 

But you know what they say: You can’t fail if you don’t give up. 

 

I might be on the verge of buckling under, but I know I had the choice.

There is ALWAYS a choice.

There is ALWAYS hope.

Maybe I’m over-optimistic. Maybe I have gone mad, seeing that I was on the floor, crying and having a debate in my head about my sanity. But one thing’s for sure, is that I will fail if I let myself. I just needed to pick myself up and pull myself together. Muster enough spirit to push on the last 24 hours. Believe me, it might just have been the hardest thing I had to do; but I did it.

Thank Heavens, I actually did it. I made it through. I survived, already very battered from this one battle, but knowing there are more ahead.

 

Scarred, but I am proud that I didn’t cave in.

 

 

And I did reward myself when the ordeal was over. 🙂

Salmon sashimi with some Yuzu sauce//Lobsters//Duck rice & Dim Sum

 

Obviously, there were more but let’s not get started on my gluttony, heh heh. 

 

So, two things:

1) I mustn’t give up. Ever, Zunny. Because there is always a choice.

2) Of course, when life gets tough…eat away! 😉

 

Well, tomorrow is the start of the new term, officially. Wish me luck, guys. 🙂

 

Toodles. ♥

“Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colorful, marvelous feathers.
One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him.
She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.
But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains!
And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird.
And she thought: “I’m going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.”
The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.
She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: “Now you have everything you could possibly want.”
However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest.
The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.
One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.
If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.
Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door.
“Why have you come?” she asked Death.
“So that you can fly once more with him across the sky,” Death replied.
“If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have loved and admired him ever more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.”

– Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho.

 

 

And such is the way of life. We always want the best things in the world, yet we are rapacious; consumed by our greed to have and to hold these things…forever.

But who are we to decide what is ours for eternity? All things will come to an end – beauty fades, people die and even the flame burns out as the fuel runs low. Nothing is ever ours. Not even love.

Love comes and showers us with all its glory. Giving us the taste of the magic it sparks. But it doesn’t stay, for Love has much to do, much to give. And none to take away. What lingers behind are the memories of the laughter in the nights, those stolen sweet kisses, and the promises of everlasting love. Like pixie dust, they are all we have to keep our feet above the ground. If we don’t take care to replenish the pixie dust, some day the magic will run out and all we will be left with are mere ashes, charred remainder of the gift we once had.

 

So, I had a nice chat with a friend, a traveller. He told me that we can never put our hearts in a traveller, for he is never in one place. Like the beautiful bird in the story. Travellers are in love with their journeys, the adventures. They need to spread their wings, they need to fly – it is the essence of their existence. They enjoy the solace when they are crossing the Outback all alone, laying themselves to sleep in the middle of the desert while the vast universe watches over them. Yet, he said travellers do give their hearts out. I thought whoever receives them must be lucky. A traveller has his stories no other man would ever have; and when the time is right for them to settle down, they will do so with such ease that the only journey they want to make now, is the journey back home. Home to where his heart is now.

Just like the bird, he cannot be caged. It will only end up disastrous. He loses his purpose and what you see then will just be an empty shell, while his soul takes flight on an imaginary quest.

Just like the bird, I don’t think I can settle down quietly in one spot. Not just yet. Part of me knows that I yearn to fly and break free.

 

Is it all worth it then?

 

 

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

 

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

 

But you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

 

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

 

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go.

 

 

 

‘Cause we don’t know what we have until it’s gone.

 

Toodles. ♥

Good evening, everyone.

 

It’s been a rather long day today, had some…news in the morning. I wouldn’t say they’re good news, neither would I say they are bad. I would say…they are surprising news. The last of my results were announced earlier today and yes, I had mixed feelings. Surprisingly, it was not up to my expectations and I wasn’t sure what to think.

 

I got into the car with dad as we headed out and I swear, God was sending a message to me. Why? I turned on the radio and the DJs were talking about the importance of qualifications. Of all days, why? Already I had a lot to think about, and they had to talk about this. Amazingly, it seemed as if someone’s trying to get the message across, to me – I felt like it was meant for me to hear it. For me to seek comfort and poise.

 

Some were saying how a qualification – a piece of paper – is of utmost importance, while some people think it’s more meaningful to be doing what you’re most passionate of. There is no right or wrong, it’s like two sides of a coin, and you need both sides to make one complete coin. But the moral of the story wasn’t about who’s going to win the argument. In fact, the message that I got out of the 15 minutes debate was the fact that everyone agreed that attitude towards the job is what powerful enough to make or break you.

 

Not to mention, I got a crazy long ass message from the boy trying to make me see things in a different light and said about the same things that I heard from the radio that morning. And that only confirmed what I have been feeling all day. That God wants me to know this, and that not all is in vain.

 

I sure hope I’m not delusional. Because it’s a darn powerful message you’re sending me, God. 😉

 

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When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.

 

I live by this quote, and I do believe that if we want something bad enough; somehow we’ll get there. Maybe not directly, not immediately, not easily. But we will, we just need to keep believing and never give up. Even when it seems like the whole world has turned its’ back on us. Even when it seems like it’s impossible to achieve. Even if we are too close to the edge, too close to breaking down.

 

The sky is our limit; we just have to reach out and extend our grasp.

 

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Toodles. ♥

By Paulo Coelho (Source)

 

 

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

 

 

*

 

Makes you think, doesn’t it? I think this is very well written, just a reminder that its about time we stop looking back and just let live. Each word, each sentence hit me hard. Once again, it brought me back to what I recently have been able to let go.

 

2011 had been a great year! Despite the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, the new and old friendships. I just read through all my posts of 2011 – it seems like just yesterday when I made a grand entrance into 2011, and now, tomorrow I will be doing the same, again. I’m glad I’m not working tomorrow, I’ll be able to work on the post – I want to write all about my year. 🙂 Partly also because I’m heading out to meet a friend for a drink (or two – and some food please, omg so hungry wtf).

 

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To those who are out partying tonight, stay safe. It’s the very last day of 2011, 2012 is going to be even more awesome so you’d want to live to see it. 😉

 

 

Toodles. ♥